Love.
I really feel like I should be on my own for a while. I have just come out of a relationship where the love was so strong for me, that it seems it will take years for me to ever find anyone who makes me feel the same way. I have been on dates, I have had guys after me that are kind of cool, but just that chemistry, that humour, that understanding is just missing. I don’t know if that’s because I am comparing a few dates to the best relationship in my life so far, or if these men really are lacking that certain something.
I am not unhappy to be on my own either. Probably for the first time in my life. Even though I am at my heaviest. I still feel like I have so much to give in a relationship. I also feel like I am really getting over my last one. It just took those words - I don’t know if I love you anymore. It just pushed me out of that mindset that it was going to happen one day. He will never love me as I do him. And that is something I just won’t put up with.
I have so much I want to do in life. I have so many goals, both for the near future and for long term. To be honest I don’t have that much time for a relationship. And relationships are poison to my own ambitions. I know that is my own fault. Or maybe I have never been in one that really supported who I really am.
I have never been in such an ‘I don’t need anyone’ mood in my life. It feels strange. I am the neediest person that I know. I don’t know what has happened in my life to change me. I suspect that it was going to Cambodia. It really gave me something that I didn’t know I had in me. Perhaps my empathy has an outlet that doesn’t need to be a one-sided relationship or my friends needing help. The feeling that I could be completely at ease and not be with anyone is the most empowering thing I have ever felt. Instead of loving one person and putting my life and soul into a relationship, there is a whole world out there that is made for people like me. They need people like me. People who feel.
I have always hated how much I feel. But for the first time ever, I think that it is perhaps a gift. And I would be wrong to ignore it, or misuse it.
